Unmasking the Intent to Control
And Why We Need A 12-Step Program for The Rest of Us
In my various books, I put forth the distinction between communicating to relate and communicating to control. This blog will summarize some of the key takeaways from my books—linking these to my contention that industrialized nations are addicted to control. I view the Getting Real work as “a 12-step program for the rest of us.” (those not fortunate enough to have an established program for overcoming addiction)
Every communication has an intent behind it. Most of us do not pay enough attention to this hidden intent—in ourselves and in others--especially if the intent has something to do with control—like trying to control an unknown outcome or trying to mask one’s anxiety about feeling “not in control.” In my research, I discovered that almost 90% of human communication comes from the (usually unconscious) need to control.
What’s the Difference?
Most of us are not aware of when we are communicating from a need to protect ourselves (controlling) vs. when we are expressing our feelings and thoughts from the wish to know and be known or share honestly (relating). Communicating to relate promotes intimacy, which I define as knowing and being known, and trust. It is an emergent process involving the exchange of feelings or thoughts, back and forth, trusting that whatever the outcome, we can deal with this as it unfolds.
Communicating to control aims at getting a particular comfortable or predictable outcome, often trying to control or to know things that cannot be controlled or known. It comes from the wish to avoid situations that you are unprepared for—like being surprised or having others see you in a way that doesn’t fit the image you’re trying to project. When you communicate to control, this indicates some mistrust of the other or mistrust in your own ability to handle an outcome that you are not in control of.
You would think that in intimate relationships or friendships, we would all be relating. But that is not the case….because most people carry a lot of unconscious fear in their subconscious mind—fears like the fear of being judged, ignored, disrespected, rejected, or controlled. So, it’s good to recognize this fact and learn to notice when you are controlling vs. relating.
Things to Watch For
The intent to control reveals itself in many disguises:
•denying that you feel pain when you’re hurting
•trying to impress others
•pretending to know or understand something when you really don’t
•asking for what you want indirectly (as in, “It’s your turn to wash the dishes.”)
•being nice or agreeable to avoid a hassle
•lying to protect someone’s feelings
•assuming you know something that you really cannot know instead of living with the uncertainty of the situation (e.g. jumping to conclusions or making assumptions about what someone else’s behavior means)
•keeping silent to avoid conflict
•trying to appear more together or composed than you really feel
Avoiding Emotional Discomfort
As you look down this list, you’ll notice that all of these things have something to do with avoiding uncomfortable feelings (e.g. anxiety about feeling not in control) or avoiding an unwanted outcome (e.g. being judged, feeling rejected). Perhaps you recognize yourself in one or more of these examples. If you do, then you’re probably aware enough to admit that this sort of controlling doesn’t really foster good, trustworthy communication.
If you are focused more on avoiding the discomfort of “not-knowing” than on communicating and really listening to others, you are not present. You’re missing a lot of the real data in your current situation (like your own actual feelings!) You’re in your head or in the future—like in a chess game: “If I make this move, my opponent will have to make that move.” This is an example of the intent to control. And it’s fine in a chess game, but in everyday life, this sort of strategizing keeps you in a state of chronic vigilance, fear, or anxiety.
Trying to avoid uncertainty is very stressful. On the other hand, when you relax your grip, allow things to unfold, and pay attention to what is actually going on (vs. what you wish or fear), you become naturally more confident because you’re playing with a full deck. You’re more “all there.”
Controlling Leads to Feeling Out of Control
Most people are not conscious of the fact that most of their self-talk and communication with others comes from the intent to control. It’s no wonder that they often feel frustrated and out of control. You see, the more you try to control things, the more out of control you feel. When you are more focused on creating a favorable outcome or a favorable impression than on expressing yourself authentically, you are reinforcing your fears and anxieties. You are, in a sense, affirming that if things do not turn out according to plan, you will not be okay.
This puts your well-being on pretty shaky ground. The fact is, you will be okay. And the only way to really discover this and learn to trust yourself is to risk feeling what you feel and expressing yourself authentically. Feeling and expressing what’s so for you in each moment is what I call “getting real,” or “relating.” Relating builds inner capacity.
Controlling is Largely Unconscious
Every one of us has been hurt by other people at some time in our lives as we have tried to express ourselves authentically, offer love, or get our needs met. Somewhere in our past we learned various strategies to protect ourselves in order to minimize further damage.
But healthy human communication is not really about protecting ourselves from discomfort or controlling how others react to us. Healthy communication is about getting to know each other, helping each other grow and thrive, creating things and solving problems together, and learning from one another. It is not about getting one’s own way. It’s about creating mutually beneficial solutions. It is not about avoiding uncomfortable feelings. It is about feeling what we feel and sharing this with others. It is not about controlling what we feel or need. It is about letting ourselves feel what we feel and sharing these things as appropriate.
Control Patterns
I use the term, control patterns, to refer to the variety of automatic communication, thinking, or listening habits that you have taken on over the years to help you feel more in control, i.e. to avoid the anxiety of not knowing or not being in control of an uncertain outcome. Some of the things people tend to feel anxiety about are things like: not knowing how a request is going to be received, or not knowing how to handle a situation. The term also refers to the things you do to manage or control other peoples’ responses to your communications, such as using a self-deprecating preamble (like, “I’m a real novice, but….”) to minimize peoples’ expectations of you, or smiling and nodding as someone is speaking so they’ll hurry up and finish, and let you talk.
Isn’t Controlling Appropriate Sometimes?
Of course, there are times when communicating strategically (controlling) is appropriate, such as times when you accurately perceive real danger. But too often, we imagine danger when we’re simply talking about danger to our ego or to our wounded inner child. So, we need to understand how control patterns work, so we can distinguish between real vs. imagined danger.
Change is Possible: Try This Exercise
Here’s an exercise to help you let go of control patterns (which are largely unconscious) and use controlling or strategic communication only when you consciously choose to. You can learn to spot the controlling mind at work, interrupt its defensive patterns, and get back to sharing authentic feelings, thoughts, and requests. This is an exercise I share with my clients and workshop participants:
Can you recall a recent time when something in you kept you from asking for what you wanted? Take some time to reflect on this question. We all have such moments—probably more frequently than we realize. Here’s a typical example: keeping quiet about what you wanted during sex night a few nights ago. This could be a situation where you used a control pattern like minimizing your want, telling yourself you probably wouldn’t get what you want, or criticizing yourself for having this want. This type of behavior reveals a belief that goes something like this: “It’s not safe to ask for what I want. My wants don’t count. I’ll be rejected or seen as needy.” (So, control patterns can be habitual thought patterns as well as communication strategies. And they’re always associated with something you fear--especially when this fear is not conscious.)
Now, reflect on this question: What story did I tell myself to justify not reaching out for what I wanted? And what did I say or do, if anything? As you pause to reflect, you may recognize a fear-story, such as “He probably won’t want to do this.” Feel the feelings that accompany this fear-story. Now, imagine what you might say if you felt completely safe in this situation….if you trusted that you’d be okay no matter what the other person did or said. What would you say or do if you knew things would turn out well? Say these words out loud to yourself as if you were speaking to the other person. Or say them silently in your own mind. So now, you are saying the actual words that express a deeper level of authenticity and vulnerability. Notice how this feels.
That’s all there is to this exercise. It gives you a safe way to practice noticing when you were in a pattern, and revising this pattern, in complete privacy. If you notice that your revision feels good, or even if it does not, you’re getting practice taking manageable emotional risks. Eventually, as you grow your capacity for handling fear of emotional pain or discomfort, this sort of risk won’t seem as risky.
Noticing Fosters Healing
As you get better at noticing and revising your unconscious patterns and fear-stories, you’ll also be gaining an understanding of why it has been hard for you to express your wants honestly or vulnerably. Each time you notice yourself having trouble being open about your core feelings and needs, pause to offer yourself some empathy and compassion. In doing so, you are healing your past so you can live and love more in the present.
Doing this practice regularly makes it more and more likely that you’ll be able to speak your needs openly the moment they are occurring, without apology, justification, or shame. Over time, you’ll learn to interrupt yourself and come back to relating when you catch yourself automatically falling into controlling. You’ll be making your unconscious conscious.
Our Society is Addicted to Control
Anyone who is plugged into the American economy or social structure is caught in matrix of intersecting dilemmas that reinforce our addiction to control:
1. In order to make a living, we need to come across as “knowing the answers,” and “not needing too much help.” So, at a certain age, we develop patterns to mask our uncertainties and needs for guidance. The American workplace suffers greatly from this sort of irrationality. A lot of efficiency is lost by employees’ trying to appear more competent or knowledgeable than they really are.
2. These patterns spill over into our values and habits with respect to our social and family relationships:
Parents are supposed to know more than children, so they act more sure of things than they really feel, thus reinforcing the belief that they cannot be real with their kids. And kids don’t get listened to when parents act like know-it-alls, thus creating mistrust of even valid authorities later in life. Plus, children really need to be listened to in order to grow up healthy.
We see a similar issue in dating and new relationships: To be a marketable dating candidate, I have been trained in our culture to show only my more attractive, socially acceptable qualities (to control my image or how I am viewed). Too much honesty is often viewed as inappropriate, offensive, or intrusive. What kind of practice does this give daters for sustaining longer-term relationships where we will most certainly have to deal with the more difficult qualities of our partner? (the ones they have been trying to hide, which of course only makes matters worse!)
3. In politics, we see those whom we are supposed to trust as our leaders acting in ways that engender anything but trust: You’re not supposed to change your mind on an issue—even if you become aware of new, more valid data—because you’ll be accused of flip-flopping! And heaven forbid if you see both sides of certain hot-button issues! You’ll alienate constituents on both sides. Better to “go along (with prevailing norms) to get along” when it comes to securing votes.
I could go on with this list of irrational customs we have adopted in the interest of controlling the outcome in order to maintain power, image, or social acceptance. Most of us share a host of culturally-conditioned habits that make us less happy, less confident, and even less effective. Let’s face it…we’re addicted to control (and probably mostly in denial about it).
That’s why we need a 12-step program for the rest of us!
Upcoming Free Group Coaching Call on This Topic
On Tuesday, September 3 at 10-11am Pacific Time, I’ll be leading a discussion and guiding people through some awareness practices designed to help you spot your automatic thinking and communication habits (aka control patterns).
These mini-webinars are offered monthly on the first Tuesday of every month—unless otherwise noted in this Substack or on my Facebook page.
They happen on Zoom using a different link each month—the link is always published at the end of my blogs in the section on Upcoming Events, as well as on my Facebook page (facebook.com/drsusan99).
Here is the Zoom link for the September 3 session with me:
Susan Campbell is inviting you to a scheduled Zoom meeting.
Topic: Susan Campbell's Zoom Meeting
Time: Sep 3, 2024 10:00 AM Pacific Time (US and Canada)
Join Zoom Meeting
https://us02web.zoom.us/j/87259650722?pwd=OgzprpIQeRPJIkSx39oKpQH50bZA3B.1
Meeting ID: 872 5965 0722
Passcode: 538372
_________________________________________________________________________________________
Other Upcoming Events
Getting Real: The Power of Conscious Communication
There are be two versions of this workshop coming up: The first option is a 6-session Zoom-based webinar for $375 during Sept-Oct, 2024. The second is an in-person weekend workshop in Sebastopol, CA for $360 May 10-11, 2025.
Getting Real on Zoom
Six consecutive Thursdays, noon-2pmPT, beginning Sept 19, 2024 and ending Oct 24. (See description below.)
Getting Real in Person: An in-person workshop in Sebastopol, CA (an hour north of San Francisco)
May 10-11, 2025, 10 am-5pm both days
Cost: $360
“You can only be as honest as you are self-aware.”
GETTING REAL teaches 10 truth skills that make you a more present, aware, spontaneous, authentic communicator. Most people have fears and insecurities which interfere with being fully present and honest. These insecurities can be healed. If you learn to put your attention on your here-now experience, rather than trying to control the outcome of your communications, you discover the real source of personal power, love, and inner security.
In this workshop, you will learn how to:
• communicate with presence, authenticity, and spontaneity (even when you feel fear about it)
• be aware of how you impact others
• clear the air and keep it clear
• repair rifts in trust and connection after a misunderstanding
• keep your present relationships free of accumulated unfinished business
• come back to being present after your fear-buttons have gotten pushed
• communicate from the deepest parts of yourself—so you can be truly heard and accepted
• notice and free yourself of all the ways you "go on automatic" as you communicate or listen
• replace these "control patterns" with honest, spontaneous self-expression
• recognize all the various disguises that mask the "need to control"
• ask for what you want without being controlling
• say "no" or mark your boundaries with compassion and sensitivity
• embrace and value the silences in human communication
• heal past trauma and unprocessed pain
• communicate about difficult topics in ways that foster deep intimacy and trust
This workshop is intended for people who want to join with like-minded others to explore honesty as a spiritual awareness practice, getting to the essential self that is beyond conditioned fears, beliefs, and control patterns. Emphasis will be on developing communication skills and relationship practices that you can take home and integrate into your daily life.
REGISTER NOW: Call or text Susan at (707) 695-4073 or email: drsusan@susancampbell.com
Led by: Psychologist Susan Campbell has worked as a relationship coach for 58 years. A former professor at the University of Massachusetts, she is author of 12 books on relationships and communication. Her website is www.susancampbell.com
Honesty Salon in Webinar Format
Beginning September 18, 2024, I will offer an eight-session Honesty Salon in webinar format (zoom). It is scheduled for 8 consecutive Wednesdays, noon-1:30pm Pacific time, ending November 6, 2024.
Cost is $260 for the 8 sessions. An Honesty Salon is a small group experience where we practice the 10 Truth Skills (from my book, Getting Real) with one another, sharing whatever arises in the present moment. We use a set of simple communication guidelines that assist us in un-hooking from identification with mind chatter and being innocently open to whatever arises.
Between sessions, participants will have the option of meeting in dyads or triads to de-brief and do practice exercises. All sessions will be recorded and archived on a private page, so if you miss a session, the recording will be available to you.
To register or get more information, email me at drsusan@susancampbell.com