Relationships Can Get Traumatized, Too
Healing Relationship Ruptures
Sooner or later, someone close to you is going to do something that hurts or disappoints you. Perhaps it is a carelessly spoken word. Or maybe it’s something you find inconsiderate of your feelings. Or it could be a broken agreement or a betrayal of confidence or trust.
A Big Wound Early On
Many years ago, I did a major research study for a book that never got published on “Why Intimate Relationships End.” What I discovered, after interviewing about 50 divorced people, was that almost everyone I spoke with recalled one major disappointment during their previous marriage that seemed to mark “the beginning of the end.” And quite often, this event occurred during the first year of the relationship! Their further reflections revealed that they never spoke openly about this with their partner—even though the relationship generally lasted for many years after this initial wound. Hearing their stories, I concluded that if they had talked openly about their feelings with the other person, the relationship probably could have been repaired.
Why Don’t More People Express Hurt Feelings?
There are many reasons why people avoid talking about their hurt feelings: they fear they will make things worse; they never learned how to talk about their feelings; they don’t think their partner can handle this sort of discussion; they have tried to bring up smaller issues, and even these have not gone well; or they may fear appearing too sensitive or too needy.
These are the most common excuses I hear. But there’s also something else to consider: Often these early disappointments occurred during what would normally be the earliest developmental stage of the relationship—the stage where, while often “madly in love,” partners have not built the kind of trust bond that can support taking big risks with their relationship. They may be afraid to wreck their fragile bond. This fear is generally not conscious, but it governs behavior nonetheless.
In my 1980’s book, The Couple’s Journey, about the five stages of relationship, the first stage is Romance, where couples forge a common vision and build trust. Once their bond feels fairly secure, they move on to the Power Struggle stage, where differences surface more strongly. As they move to Stability, and on to Commitment, they have now found a way to manage differences and conflicts in a healthy way. The fifth stage, Co-Creation, is where they learn to use their differences creatively, learn and grow together, and join in other pursuits that benefit others or society. The idea here is that a relationship matures over time—just like an individual moves from childhood to adulthood. There are life challenges that a child is not expected to handle until that child gets more life experience. (The Couples Journey: Intimacy as a Path to Wholeness, is available as a used book or Kindle e-book at Amazon
Just like a scary incident might traumatize a child but not an adult, partners in the early stages of their relationship are more vulnerable to events they do not understand or have never experienced before. Partners will not consciously realize this, but most will instinctively be somewhat protective toward their tender relationship. So, memories of hurtful incidents get suppressed, but remain in long-term memory, along with the fear-stories associated with these hurtful incidents—stories like, “He only thinks of himself,” “She’s not trustworthy,” “It’s not safe to disagree with him,” etc. As time goes by, these fear-stories become strengthened every time anything happens to reinforce these often-faulty assessments on one’s partner.
What’s a Couple to Do?
In my marriage counselling practice, couples often come to me with “old buried wounds” without realizing it. They may have a current issue they cannot resolve, which is what brings them to seek help. But as we explore more deeply, we find an earlier instance of this same issue, often many similar instances. But the first one is often the most dramatic. Or, at least it is remembered in the most dramatic way. Some of the things I offer in my sessions to help them heal are things I think many couples could do for themselves. I want to share these “best practices” with you. Maybe you could use them now, or maybe you’ll need them someday. I’ll briefly describe each of these in the following sub-headings:
1. Hearing Each Other’s Version of the Incident
2. Learning Each Person’s Trigger Signature
3. Learning How to Repair
Hearing Each Other’s Version
Generally, one partner will recall being hurt or disappointed by the incident in question, while the other did not realize this. Or, at least, they did not realize the extent of this hurt. But once the incident is brought to the surface, the less problem-aware person will also have a story to tell. I introduce this process saying something like this: It’s good that you both are able to remember this incident. But any two people will remember it from their own angle, based on the individual needs and pressures you were each feeling at the time. Our goal here is to really listen to how the incident affected your partner….and to listen in a way where you do your best to feel and understand their needs and feelings….and perhaps the inner and outer pressures they were under that contributed to their behavior at the time. From time to time, we’ll pause listening in order to reflect back what you heard or to ask clarifying questions.
Once the first person feels heard, we’ll hear from the second person. And remember that you’re trying to help your partner feel empathy for you. So, you have to stick with what you heard and felt, without labeling or blaming your partner. If they start to feel blamed, it’ll be hard for them to empathize. (The first person to share is generally the one who remembers the hurt most strongly or is having the hardest time getting over it. If one person does not recall the incident, this intervention won’t work.)
I sometimes use the analogy of a physical wound where the skin may have grown over a wound, but underneath, there is still foreign debris that has to be removed so the wound will fully heal. I tell them that our job here is to dig around under the surface and clear out what we find.
Many partners will protest that they have talked about this incident before, so “why is my partner still hanging on to this?” My response, based on years of experience, is, “It often takes many repetitions of sharing the same feelings and being heard in order to integrate a painful or shocking experience—especially if the experience mimics a painful or traumatic experience from this person’s childhood. This can be hard for a partner to understand. But if something shows up in your relationship, you cannot wish it away. You know you have to find a way to deal with it…as long as it takes.”
If you do try this process, it might not do the job in one sitting. But if both partners have goodwill, and are willing for things to be uncomfortable or messy, it might be just what you need. We know from individual trauma healing that, when a person has someone to talk with and get support from, a trauma wound is less severe or will heal quicker.
Learning Each Person’s Trigger Signature
Your trigger signature is a reaction pattern that repeats each time you get triggered. It consists of the typical body sensations, feelings, thoughts, and behaviors that occur when someone does something that seems similar to something painful or traumatic from your past. (things like tight chest, heat in face, anger, hurt, thoughts of ending it, thoughts of not being good enough, the urge to flee)
It’s important for couples to be able to talk together about what happens inside them when they get triggered…and for them to let their partner know that, “I take responsibility for the fact that I have this emotional sensitivity to certain things.”
What works best is to set aside time to reflect on and share about “What happens inside me when I have a trigger reaction, and what behaviors do I engage in?” I recommend that each person review four or five different triggering episodes to see if they see a pattern, or a couple of patterns. This exercise should be approached with compassion and curiosity—seeking to know oneself and one another more deeply.
After couples have had a discussion like this, they are more prepared for the fact that they will probably get triggered, and also co-triggered, at times. Co-triggering is when both partners are triggered at once, which happens frequently for most couples. It’s hard not to get triggered when your partner just got triggered by something you did.
Knowing your own and your partner’s trigger signature helps you notice reactions quicker, so that when you’re triggered, you can each take a pause to regulate your upset nervous system. When you’re both calm, you can be present to what’s actually happening (vs. what you fear might be happening).
Then you can come back to present time and reveal that you just got triggered, and that your behavior was a fear reaction masking an actual present-time feeling or need that you were not aware of at that moment. Often that need is to be reassured that some fear-story that resides inside of you is not true (stories like I’m not respected or I’m not enough). This is called “repair.”
Learning How to Repair
Most partners do repair all wrong. They come back to their partner after the incident and tell the other person why they were upset in a way that reveals they are holding their partner responsible for their upset reaction. Or they ask for an apology. And often, they will get an apology, but one that does not come from an authentic place. Some partners have learned to appease their triggered partner and just suck it up, so they don’t have to keep hearing about it. (Have you ever done this? Do you suspect your partner may have done this?)
A good repair depends on both people having learned to take ownership for their own reactions to unpleasant events. You learn to take this kind of responsibility or ownership by doing the Trigger Signature exercise (above). So, don’t skip over this important practice.
A good repair is brief—not too wordy. You want to be speaking to the feeling area of your partner’s brain—so they’ll feel safe listening to you and more likely to feel empathy. Too many words activate a partner’s defenses and get your partner into focusing on “reasons why” or other unproductive thought habits.
Basically, a good repair goes something like this:
“I’d like to repair that upsetting thing that happened between us. Are you ready to do our repair together?
I now see that when I ________ (shut down/judged you/threatened to leave, etc). I was triggered. It was probably my fear that I am__________(not good enough/being disrespected/all alone) coming up.
When I heard you say________(repeat triggering stimulus), it brought up memories of the times ________ (I was put down and criticized/my mother interrupted me and I felt I had no value/I was ignored during family gatherings) [This piece is optional.]
The story I told myself was ____________(I’m not good enough, I’m being put down/ I’m not valued or respected).
And I need your help to feel_________(I am good enough/I’m not all alone/I am valued and respected). Maybe I just need to hear some reassurance that my fears are not true.”
Both partners should take a turn delivering this statement. Sometimes one person did not do anything visible. Maybe they just shut down a little or withdrew….or had judgmental thoughts. These, too, are trigger reactions and should be owned. If one partner really was able to remain open and friendly during the entire incident, then you would simply do a unilateral repair.
Make This a Lifelong Practice
Each time you do this practice, you continue to deepen your understanding about how triggers operate. This will result in these triggers having less and less power over time. Using this statement after a triggering event helps you know each other’s deeper feelings and develop empathy and a sense of safety—rather than staying stuck believing your fear-stories. Making this statement often (as a regular practice) will helps you get more comfortable expressing vulnerable feelings and core needs—instead of putting up walls of protection. Over time, you’ll get better and better at discriminating between real present dangers and conditioned fears about things that really did threaten your development as a child, but are not dangerous now that you’re an adult. Our trigger reactions deserve our compassionate attention, but they do not need to control our lives.
Further Resources
In my recent books, Five-Minute Relationship Repair and From Triggered to Tranquil, you will find a number of repair scripts for varying degrees of upset. Using a script can seem artificial, but it’s necessary at first to train yourself to not fall into habits like repeating yourself, or justifying or defending yourself. Once you have mastered the art of brevity, you can throw away the script. Some of the scripts in these books are even briefer and simpler than the sample above. Pick what works for you. These books are available in electronic, print, and audible formats at https://www.amazon.com/s?k=From+Triggered+to+Tranquil+susan+campbell&i=stripbooks&crid=15WALT2E0V83L&sprefix=from+triggered+to+tranquil+susan+campbell%2Cstripbooks%2C143&ref=nb_sb_noss_1
Whether you’re currently in an intimate relationship or not, I urge you to get one or both books, and start practicing these tools with someone. When you harbor unspoken or uncleared negative feelings, the baggage you’re carrying will eventually weigh you down.
Let’s all lighten our emotional loads, so we can get on with the important cooperative work that needs our attention in this world.
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I offer a free one-hour group coaching call on the first Tuesday of every month, 10-11am PT. The topic and Zoom link will be announced in my Substack toward the end of the previous month. I also announce this information on the day of the call on my Facebook page Susan's Profile
Getting Real: The Power of Conscious Communication
There are be two versions of this workshop coming up: The first option is a 6-session Zoom-based webinar for $375 during Sept-Oct, 2024. The second is an in-person weekend workshop in Sebastopol, CA for $360 May 10-11, 2025.
Getting Real on Zoom
Six consecutive Thursdays, noon-2pmPT, beginning Sept 19, 2024 and ending Oct 24. (See description below.)
Getting Real in Person: An in-person workshop in Sebastopol, CA (an hour north of San Francisco)
May 10-11, 2025, 10 am-5pm both days
Cost: $360“You can only be as honest as you are self-aware.”
GETTING REAL teaches 10 truth skills that make you a more present, aware, spontaneous, authentic communicator. Most people have fears and insecurities which interfere with being fully present and honest. These insecurities can be healed. If you learn to put your attention on your here-now experience, rather than trying to control the outcome of your communications, you discover the real source of personal power, love, and inner security.
In this workshop, you will learn how to:
• communicate with presence, authenticity, and spontaneity (even when you feel fear about it)
• be aware of how you impact others
• clear the air and keep it clear
• repair rifts in trust and connection after a misunderstanding
• keep your present relationships free of accumulated unfinished business
• come back to being present after your fear-buttons have gotten pushed
• communicate from the deepest parts of yourself—so you can be truly heard and accepted
• notice and free yourself of all the ways you go on automatic as you communicate or listen
• replace these control patterns with honest, spontaneous self-expression
• recognize all the various disguises that mask the need to control
• ask for what you want without being controlling
• say No or mark your boundaries with compassion and sensitivity
• heal past trauma and unprocessed pain
• communicate about difficult topics in ways that foster deep intimacy and trust
This workshop is intended for people who want to join with like-minded others to explore honesty as a spiritual awareness practice, getting to the essential self that is beyond conditioned fears, beliefs, and control patterns. Emphasis will be on developing communication skills and relationship practices that you can take home and integrate into your daily life.
REGISTER NOW: Call or text Susan at (707) 695-4073 or email: drsusan@susancampbell.com
Led by: Psychologist Susan Campbell has worked as a relationship coach for 58 years. A former professor at the University of Massachusetts, she is author of 12 books on relationships and communication. Her website is www.susancampbell.com